I'm stronger than you
by jacobs best girl
Summary: When Jacob leaves Bella she feels her life is over. Unable to move on from the collapse of her universe she becomes oblivious to all those around her, including a persistant younger neighbour, Edward.
1. Chapter 1

"The thing is Bella, we've both known for a while now that it's over."

I can hear what he's saying, but mostly all I can hear is my own heartbeat in my ears.

"We both know that this is for the best."

I feel sick, I'm actually going to be sick.

"I've put down a deposit on an apartment the other side of town, close to Billy's school."

Fuck, he's leaving me.

I can't move. My hands are frozen in my lap and I can't get my eyes to look up at him. I hear him get up and put on his coat, I still can't look at him.

"I'm going to give you a few days to think things through and then I'll be in contact. I'm relieved that we're on the same page about this."

I feel my head nodding in agreement, what the fuck. I'm trying to figure out why I'm not hitting him with the doorstop from the back door.

The front door closes and all that's left is silence.

Jacobs just left me, Jacobs gone.


	2. Chapter 2

I had not seen this coming. I thought we were happy. I tried to think of a time when Jacob had been unhappy. Nothing, just smiles and laughter.

How can he think that I knew this was coming? I am unable to get my head around this. Two hours ago my life was perfect, flawless. Now he's gone and I have nothing.

Jacob had text me to say he was coming home early. He had been putting in lots of hours at work, but he was trying to make partner. You don't make partner without putting in all the extra work, that's just how it works.

I had put Billy Junior to bed and opened a bottle of Shiraz. I was excited about seeing him. Lately I was already asleep by the time he came in and the mornings were spent getting Billy up and off to school.

I heard the car pull up on the drive and the familiar sound of his key in the lock. As soon as he appeared in the doorway I saw something was wrong. He wasn't smiling, and made no effort to come over to give me my usual hug.

As he started reeling of his obviously pre planned speech I froze. My body unable to process the situation just shut down on me.

The things he was saying just weren't true. My body was nodding but my head was screaming "What do you mean we're not happy? I'm really happy!"

"I didn't know this was coming you bastard, you've not mentioned anything"

"You have an apartment already! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

My head was screaming back at him, but my body just couldn't communicate.

The main thing I wanted to scream was "Please don't do this, don't leave me, please don't go"

I just sat there and let him go, listened to him walk away from me and Billy. He just got up and walked away from our life, our perfect life.

All I can think is that he's gone. He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. My body finally unfreezes and I'm left in the dark, crying tear after tear, my whole body left gasping for air as I sob until I find it hard to breathe.

Jacobs gone.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun has started to creep in under the curtains so I know its morning. My head is pounding and my eyes are puffy and swollen after departing with all their tears.

Billy is going to wake up soon. I can't let him see me like this. It's the only motivation I need to get up and get in the shower. I feel numb as the hot water hits my skin. I let my auto pilot take over and without me noticing my hair gets shampooed and my body gets washed. When I'm dressed I look in the mirror and it's almost enough to start the crying again. The whites of my eyes have run off screaming leaving in their wake bright red bloodshot patches. My skin is paler than usual and this emphasises the huge black bags under my eyes that have moved in overnight.

I really don't know how I'm going to get through today. I let out a huge sigh as it dawns on me that I don't know how I'm going to get through the next, well forever. Just as another tear threatens to fall, the bathroom door swings open and a very sleepy looking Billy is stood there rubbing his eyes.

Getting Billy his breakfast and ready for school today is both my medicine and my poison. Everything he says makes me smile and laugh. Packing his lunch and tracking down his soccer boots are a distraction. The problem lies in having to look at him. His dark eyes dancing when he tells me about yesterdays practice, just like Jacobs. His dark skin setting off his blue shirt, just like Jacobs. His smile as he kisses me goodbye, just like Jacobs.

When the door is closed all I'm left with again is the silence. I never understood the term 'deafening silence' until this exact moment in my life.

I can't stay here in this house, I can't think in this quiet. I grab my purse and head to my car. As soon as the door shuts I turn on the radio and turn it up loud. The speakers are making the door panels vibrate but I don't care. I pull onto the road and head out of town.

I just keep driving and driving until there are no houses anymore. Just fields and hills. I spot a place to pull in and turn the engine off. The silence creeps in again, filling the car with its nothingness. I need to walk, clear my head. I head into a field by where I've parked. I get stuck straight in marching as fast as I can towards nothing. It's not long before I feel out of breath. I try to remember the last time I did any exercise. I suddenly hit's me that it was before Billy was born. Billy is 7. Shit, 7 years with no exercise at all. Jacob was always trying to get me to go to the gym with him. He loved to work out before work and took pride in keeping himself looking good. I on the other hand had taken to drinking good red wine and cooking good tasty meals.

I have to sit down on the grass to catch my breath. I look behind me to see how far I've come and I realise I can still see the car. I've come hardly any distance at all and I'm sweating, out of breath and my pulse is thudding like a steam train.

I lie back on the grass and close my eyes. As my pulse slows down to a non-fatal rate I sit up and look down at my body. A size zero I am not. I have just had a baby though. I flop back down and groan out loud. Billy is 7 Bella. This is not baby weight.

My mind takes me back to when Jacob and I had first met. My Mom has asked me to go with her to her lawyers to finalise divorce number three. Her lawyer had been Jacob Black. A young but efficient guy new to town. His presence had filled the whole room. From that second there was a spark between us. As he was getting my Mom to sign all of the papers our eyes kept meeting, I felt my face blush crimson every time but couldn't look away.

I had been bolder than usual and left my number on a post it and stuck it to his desk when he and Mom had gone through to the foyer. He rang that night and it all went smoothly from there. We always had a natural chemistry. It was like a pull towards each other. We got engaged, married, moved into our house and then had Billy Junior.

Life was good, we had a nice house, two cars, Billy went to a good school and we went on holiday twice a year. Everything was just perfect.

So why has he gone? What have I done to drive him away? Men like Jacob don't just walk out on their wives and sons for no reason. Lying looking up at the clouds in the middle of the field I can't help but feel lost.

I'm aware I'm not he firm fit 24 year old he married, but I have had a child and Jacob always understood that can take its toll. He always said that he didn't care. Jacob's a good man; he's not shallow or vain.

I know as I'm thinking this that I'm bullshitting myself. Jacob is the vainest person I know. He always looks superb. I could always tell he was aware of the eyes on him when we went places. He always held himself well and his huge presence was one of the things I loved most about him. I was proud that people would stare at him because he was my husband and he was mine.

I swallow hard and let a new set of tears start to fall. I'm not good enough for him anymore. I've let myself go and he doesn't want me on his arm. He deserves better. He deserves the old me. I'm suddenly very aware of the baggy sweat pants I'm wearing and the oversized shirt. Of late this has been my outfit of choice. Elasticated and comfy.

I've cried myself dry again and I feel exhausted. I drag myself up and walk slowly back towards the car.

I'm driving back into town and pass some runners. They type in tiny spandex hot pants and crop tops. I can do that. I can get fit; I can lose weight and be me again. I can be good enough for Jacob again. He doesn't want to leave me; I'm making him leave me. All I need to do is be worthy again and he'll come home. I'm not giving up on my happy ever after easily.

I'm going to earn Jacob back.


End file.
